Here's a little o/s I wrote for the awesomeness that was 30 Days of Em. It's published on FF on the 30DOE page, but I feel like sharing my love of the big guy.
Title: Emmett McCarty – The Bear Hunter
Characters: Emmett, Rosalie, Edward, Bella, Alice, Jasper, Seth, OC.
Rating: M for language
Summary: Emmett McCarty, Wilderness Troupe Leader, naturalist, bear expert, Park Ranger is talked into doing a Black Bear special for an up and coming TV station. Follow him as he navigates not just the wilds of Tennessee, but also faces the challenge of a demanding director in order to produce 'movie magic'.
A/N Big thanks to PTB for the comma intervention and to AccioBourbon, Hmonster4 and Theheartoflife for running 30 days of Emmett.
SM owns it; I just kidnapped the characters and played with them a bit. I have no affiliations with Nat Geo, Animal Planet or Americas Funniest Animals, but I did get to fulfil a dream and work with a well known (and sadly deceased now) Australian Croc specialist, when he visited my former work.
I sat around the fire pit smiling to myself; I love it out here in the wild. The wind in my hair, the sun in my face. I love the green of the trees, the deep brown of the earth and the crystal clear blue of the fresh water springs and streams. The Great Smokey Mountains National Park, near Gatlinburg, Tennessee is, and always will be, my home from home. While Rosie isn't that big on the great outdoors, she has grown to love and enjoy our frequent trips out here. The seclusion from day to day insanity of the city is like a little slice of heaven.
"Emmett, tell us 'nother story. Pweaaaase," the timid childish voice of little Isabella Swan drifted over the fire.
"Yeah Em, tell us 'nother story," agreed the blonde haired, blue eyed monkey Jasper.
A cacophony of childlike whoops and squeals from the rest of the children followed. This is what I lived for. The kids from the wilderness group always knew what buttons to press to get 'Ranger Em' to tell them a story.
I smiled at the eager faces of the children around the fire. A small hand wormed its way in between my huge beefy fingers. Little Alice Cullen, a tiny little girl that you could just pick up and put in your pocket. She reminded me of a wood nymph. When she had joined my wilderness troupe she was so quiet and shy and I wondered how she would fare out here. Imagine my surprise when we set foot on the tree lined trail, weighted down with our packs, and she literally vibrated where she stood from sheer excitement. Little Alice lived for the great outdoors; suffice to say I was thrilled.
"Tell us how you became a TV star Ranger Em," Edward Cullen, Alice's 6 year old twin brother babbled out eagerly.
Edward, now there's a kid after my own heart. Where Alice was a wood nymph, Edward would be a guardian. Fiercely loyal, overwhelmingly protective, that boy was a mixture of smart and strong.
To see them both together, you'd know they were related somehow, but twins, no, they were complete opposites. Where Alice was tiny with piercing blue eyes and sleek black hair cut into a cute little bob, Edward was tall and gangly with crazy auburn hair and the greenest eyes I'd ever seen. He was the calm to her crazy.
"Yeah! Tell us about the crazy man and the bear!" Agreed little Isabella.
She was a beautiful little girl, deep chocolate brown eyes that would bore into your soul and long mahogany hair. She had just celebrated her 6th birthday this week. She was both timid and brave, she had a strong sense of what was right and always had her head stuck in a book. She had a gap where her two front teeth used to be; apparently the tooth fairy had had to work extra hard last week as it left her a whole dollar under her pillow. The gap left her with a slight lisp, but that would soon go once her big teeth pushed through.
"Yeah the bear, the bear!" squealed Alice excitedly.
Jasper placed his hand on her shoulder as she was bouncing so hard he was being flipped along the log. She calmed instantly and smiled at him.
Jasper Whitlock was a very quiet child with an old soul. He rarely said much, but when he did it was normally something profound. He could read emotions and situations as if they flashed at him in neon. I smiled at the interactions between the children. I couldn't refuse them when they were so excited, even if they had heard this story many times before. It was something of a tradition now; I always shared the bear story on the first night of our summer camp out.
"Oh I suppose so," I said with a dramatic sigh.
Edward smirked at me knowingly; sometimes I swear that kid can read my mind. I grinned back, winking at him as he laced his fingers through Isabella's. They were like two peas in a pod, practically inseparable. It made me think of my Rosie. I wish she'd come with us, but she was heavily pregnant and didn't want to have our baby out in the woods. When she had told me this, I'd stupidly replied, "Why not? Bears do it all the time." Needless to say that was the wrong response. I could still feel the lump on the back of my head from where she'd thrown her purse at me. I wonder if she had a brick in that thing.
I was shaken from my musing by little Alice. "Ranger Em, tell us about the bear please," she whispered, her tiny hand curled around my ear as if she was telling me a secret. Her big blue eyes imploring with my own.
"Okay Alice, go take a seat."
"Yes!" she squealed before hurrying to sit next to Jasper.
"Okay kids, if I tell you the story, then you'll not argue about going to sleep straight after."
"We promise." They all rallied.
I cocked an eyebrow and looked at each of them in turn. I added another log to the fire and settled back down on my log. I glanced over at them expectant looks on their faces; bright, inquisitive eyes bore into my own.
"Okay, well it all started on a cold Saturday morning in June," I started. The memory of the strangest and somewhat amusing event in my career filled my mind.
"Ok people, two minutes!"
Seriously this feels so fake, I'm sure that Australian guy who played with crocodiles didn't have to put up with this crap. Right, deep breath, "I can do this, I do this every day, I just don't do this in front of a film crew of 25 with a camera shoved practically up my ass."
"Mr McCarty, we're ready for you."
"Fine fine, I'm coming."
One last, deep breath and I stepped out of the huge trailer they'd brought down to the Great Smokey Mountains National Park. Sure the amenities they had provided for me were great, but they just weren't me. I'd have been happy with my bed roll and my gun; this wasn't real, this was wrong, all wrong.
I froze as the wiry little hobbit of a man ran at me; with his glasses perched on top of his head, his fancy suit rustling as he ran well more like waddled in my direction. I grimaced as his bony finger flicked out from his clenched fist like a switchblade, "Note to self, don't mess with switchblade fingers." I mumbled to myself.
"Mr McCarty, why aren't you wearing what I left in your trailer?"
"Oh I don't know Levi, or whatever your name is, maybe I don't want to look like an idiot," I retorted crossing my arms.
I can't believe that little freak wanted me to dress up like some fucked up Crocodile Dundee. What's wrong with my jeans and lumber jack shirt? Sure the blood stains are a bit disconcerting and I suppose the rips don't really give off the sense that I'm too good at this bear hunting stuff, but my Rosie says it makes me look rugged and handsome and I favour her opinion more.
"Just go and put it on, you're wasting time." He quipped as he raised an eyebrow at me before turning and flouncing off.
"Creepy little fucker," I muttered under my breath.
Ignoring the little freak I strode confidently across the parking lot and directed myself towards the film crew, mentally talking through the bear safety talk I would need to give them before we headed in. This is such a bad idea, I thought to myself.
"Ah Emmett, you're here." A thin, geeky looking guy said. I recognised him as the director, but for all I know he could've been an ice cream salesman. One thing is for sure I'd have my work cut out for me keeping this dude alive out here.
"Yep, here I am," I replied looking him in the eye.
Bear hunting 101, show no fear. Sure he's not a bear, but hey a predator is a predator and this guy was the top of his food chain.
"I see you're not wearing the costume." He eyed me speculatively.
"Nope, not going to either. If you want me, then you get me, not some wannabe Crocodile Dundee on crack."
He snorted in response. That was a better response than what I envisioned.
"So Emmett, the plan is, we head into the park, find a bear, you do your bear voodoo thing for the camera and then we finish up with some nature shots and stuff. You do your diary for the camera and then we pack up and come home."
"Bear Voodoo?" I laughed shaking my head.
"Yeah Bear Voodoo, make nice with the bears, I'd really like some close up stuff, maybe you could wrestle."
"Make nice with the bears and maybe wrestle? Dude, whatever you're smoking, pass it around."
"Look Emmett, the network has put a lot of money into this; Animal Planet and Nat Geo have the Australian and Brady Barr. We've got you and we expect nothing short of spectacular. So whatever it is that you do, you need to be sure that it's more than those other two yahoos or we'll go knock up Grizzly Adams and you'll be out on your ass," he responded with a snarl.
I rolled my eyes and stood at my full height. If this guy wanted to whip out his dick and see whose is bigger I was game, but I was not going to sell myself out just so he could make a mockery.
"Grizzly Adams? You know he's dead right?" I snorted.
"He can't be I used to watch him on TV as a kid!"
"That was an actor dude, Grizzly died in 1860. So unless you got a time machine, he won't be playing nice with the bears either," I responded, a smirk fighting to spread across my face at the sheer stupidity of this guy.
"If you say so Emmett, either way you need to man up and show us the magic."
I figured it would be easier not to say anything, the guy was an idiot, and nothing I say was going to change that. Scratching my head, I followed him across the parking lot to the trail head.
"Right Emmett, time to work your magic," he said before stepping away to stand by some guy with a huge ass camera.
I took in a deep breath and prepared myself for the hell that was to come.
"Rolling...and ACTION."
I leaned against a rock on the trail head and looked into the camera.
"Howdy, I'm Emmett McCarty and today we're at the awesome Great Smokey Mountains National Park to see if we can catch a glimpse of an elusive Black Bear. So how about you'ns join me for a walk through this beautiful patch of Tennessee parkland..."
"CUT!" shouted the freaky little geek, "What the fuck is you'ns Emmett, this is TV, not a journey into hick colloquialisms!" he screeched angrily.
"Dude chill out, that's how I talk, I can't stop speaking normally just because you can't understand me."
I stood there scratching my head, the feel of my fingers caressing my scalp calming me and preventing me from ripping this idiot a new one. I closed my eyes and sighed, 'Why oh why did I sign up for this again?'
The early morning air bit into me, a bitter chill running down my back like icy fingers. I looked up at the slightly dark blue sky, tips of the Spruce trees tickling its underbelly. The sun may just make an appearance today I thought to myself. An unconscious smile spread across my face at the thought.
"Emmett! We don't have all day, I want to see bears!"
That dude is really getting on my nerves. If he pulled this shit out there I was going to leave his ass in a cave, see how he likes to play nice with the bears.
I glanced up at the trailhead, the corridor of trees stood sentinel, just like they had every time I'd been here before. Something stirred within me, anticipation perhaps, it was like the wild was calling to me, like a siren. I hefted my pack over my shoulder; one last look behind me showed that they were set up to follow me. I took a deep breath and I stepped onto the worn trail.
For the next few hours we hiked; I was sure they had better things to film than the back of my head as I led them further into the forest.
"How much further Emmett, so far we have a lot of footage of your ass and too much bloody green. It's like a leprechaun threw up."
I shook my head in distaste, no respect.
"Of course it's green...in case you missed it, we're in a forest."
I clenched my fists in order to stop myself from punching the idiot in the face. Although I doubt that would've knocked any sense into him, you know what they say, 'no sense no feeling.'
A little over an hour later we trudged into a small camp ground that had already been set up by one of the rangers. It was set out in a secure ring, 7 large tents, a fire pit and a latrine. We had fresh water from a nearby spring.
"Welcome to camp gentlemen," I said, waving my hands around like a game show host.
A mass of relieved faces stared back at me; the crew had been working like pack mules all day, dragging equipment without complaint. Now the only person complaining was that punk of a director. He'd done nothing but whine and moan since we set out early this morning.
I unrolled my bedroll next to the fire pit; I rarely slept in tents, unless of course the weather turned bad. A night under the stars would do wonders to soothe my rising temper. Perhaps I'd wake in the morning and find that this was all a bad dream. I could only hope.
"No food in the tents, unless you want to wake up with a bear in your bedroll," I called out.
"And just where do you expect us to eat then, Emmett?"
"Around the fire like normal civilised people?" I responded. "Oh and don't forget to bag any garbage, and use the covered trash cans. We need to prevent any tempting smells from lingering, no need to encourage the bears to be too friendly."
"Emmett, we're here to see bears, so surely this is the perfect opportunity."
"No! If we get bears in camp, then we'll find ourselves in a whole heap of trouble that we really don't want, nor do we need."
I could see one of the younger guys from the crew smirking at our exchange from across the fire pit; it didn't escape my attention that he was filming either. I raised an eyebrow in question, he shrugged and continued to sit and watch the show. I smirked at the camera, hidden slightly by his pack. Rolling my eyes, I mouthed the word moron at the lens before standing and walking to the spring to wash up.
We sat around the fire, talking and laughing as the night drew in. Eventually someone produced a guitar and our time around the fire became more jovial. If it hadn't been for the idiot director the atmosphere would've been almost perfect.
"I'm going to bed. I expect my coffee at 7.30 no earlier, no later," he demanded before sloping off to the largest tent, which he had commandeered for himself. Heaven forbid he should lower himself to share with his crew.
"Is he always this high maintenance?" I asked the kid that had been filming earlier.
"Oh this is pretty tame; when we did the exclusive with Brady Barr in Africa, well let's just say that his desire to get water buffalo up close and personal lead to one invading his tent." He laughed.
Great, I knew this gig was a mistake when I turned up this morning. I'll kill Rosie for talking me into it.
"Wonderful, that ass is going to get someone killed. If it turns out to be me, I'll be pissed."
Eventually the chatter died down and everyone left for their respective tents. I reminded them about not eating in them, nor leaving any foodstuffs or wrappers. It wasn't just to stop the bears coming in, but I despised littering. I added another log to the fire and lay back to stare at the stars.
I must've fallen asleep quite rapidly, as the last thing I remembered were the bright stars shinning in the sky. A soft breeze caressed my cheeks in contrast with the heady warmth of the nearby fire.
The sense of peace was harshly broken by the sound of high pitched screaming accompanied by running footsteps. I mumbled under my breath, "Put the dog out Rosie," before turning in my bedroll to see what the fuss was about.
The sight that graced my eyes will forever be embedded in my memories. The punk ass director was running from his tent in the grimiest pair of briefs I had ever seen, screaming bloody murder. I choked on a laugh. A snort from behind me drew my attention and I looked over my shoulder and spotted the kid from earlier, camera in hand, trying desperately not to laugh out loud.
"Oh my god, I'm gonna send this into Americas funniest Animals." He giggled. Yeah the kid giggled.
I looked back at what he was laughing at as a relatively small black bear cub poked its head out of the director's tent. A pair of his torn trousers wrapped around its head and one of his no doubts, expensive hiking boots dangling by its laces in its mouth.
Ok, well that answers that question. "Hmm, so we've found baby, but what I want to know, is where is mama bear?" I questioned quietly.
Just then a loud roar sounded from where that idiot had run off to minutes before. 'Shit'.
"Follow me, but keep quiet," I said softly to the kid.
He nodded in response.
We approached the sound of the roar. We didn't need to go far, barely 40ft away we found the source of the commotion. Balanced precariously up a Douglas fir was both the idiot in his under-panted glory and mama bear trying to shimmy her way along the branch to bite his sorry ass.
I shook my head and turned to the camera. "Ladies and gentlemen, bear safety 101, if a bear comes into camp, don't climb a tree."
The kid snorted and motioned for me to continue. Perhaps this gig wasn't as bad as I thought.
"Black bears are omnivorous, and at this moment our director's rump is look particularly appetising," I continued.
"Get this bear away from me!" he screamed suddenly. Mama bear roared in response inching closer to him along the creaking branch.
"Easier said than done," I mumbled under my breath.
Just then baby came barrelling towards us, complete with hiking boot and trousers dragging behind it. Mama bear had gotten close enough now to tag the director on the ass. He yelped, more in surprise than pain, as she'd been distracted by her cub's appearance. I snorted under my breath; the wrath of this idiot later on would be worth this a million times over.
"Step back slowly, mama's coming down. We don't need to be in her way," I muttered.
With my hand gently pushing the kid behind me, we stepped away from the tree as mama bear gracefully... for a bear, climbed down from the tree and was reunited with her cub. A series of grumbles and growls were exchanged between them before she loped away back into the brush of the forest.
"Beautiful," I murmured to the camera.
"Yeah," the kid replied dreamily.
"Well I guess he got his bear," I said while smirking at the camera.
The quiet of the night engulfed us once more as we looked back up the tree. The idiot had passed out and was dangling over the branch as if he'd fallen asleep on horseback.
"What about sleeping beauty up there?" the kid muttered, his camera zooming in for a closer inspection.
"Well, we could leave him up there till the morning, or we could save on the future headache and get him down now. Just so you know I'm in favour of the first one," I replied, an evil grin spreading across my face.
Sure he would be unbearably pissed, but oh it would be so worth it.
The kid smirked in response, "Guess he stays there then." Before he turned on his heel and headed back to the camp. By the time we arrived everyone was up and mingling around the disaster zone that was formerly the directors tent. Looking through the gaping doorway I was met by what could only be described as complete chaos. Bedding was ripped and tossed everywhere; scraps of food, and clothing littered the ground. I bent to inspect the remains of his pack; candy wrappers and jerky were strewn haphazardly inside and out.
I stood again and turned to the crew behind me.
"Like I said earlier, no eating in the tents, just because the director is an idiot, doesn't give you all free reign to follow in his wake. So if you have any food in your tents, now is the time to clear it up and get it out. I do not want a repeat of this," I said, gesturing to the devastation behind me.
The crowd cleared almost instantly. With loud murmuring and a sense of urgency they all fled to their tents to clear out any tasty treats that they had.
"Why me, what did I do to deserve this?" I sighed to myself.
The next morning as we broke down camp, we were interrupted from our merry ways by the high pitched screams of the idiot up the tree. I shrugged, shook my head and continued to pack up my gear. Five more minutes would not hurt him.
Once I'd finished I walked over to the small clearing the tree resided in only to be faced with the punk, still in his underpants clinging to the tree for dear life. I smiled up at him.
"Morning," I called. "Sleep well?"
"Sleep well? Sleep well?" he bellowed angrily.
"Guess that's a no then."
"Just get me the hell down from here."
"Sure, anything you say."
"I'm on to you McCarty." He snarled.
"Hey, you're the one who climbed the tree."
After quite a struggle, I eventually managed to get him down. Of course he didn't thank me, he was furious. I apparently misrepresented myself as a bear expert, because a bear still attacked him. I laughed in his face. He stormed off to the camp, the tattered remains of his underpants, complete with claw shaped tears across his ass, draping from his body.
It wasn't long before he was shouting again, for one the cub had run off with his pants and he now only had one hiking boot.
"Didn't you bring a change of clothes with you?" I asked.
"Of course you idiot, but I only have one boot and that god awful animal ate my candy."
"So you were eating in your tent last night and then thought it would be logical to climb a tree when a bear, a bear that I warned you wouldn't resist investigating any food type scents, paid you a visit." I shook my head.
"Don't you blame me! If you had done your job with the Bear whispering voodoo stuff, I wouldn't be in this situation."
"Look..." I started through gritted teeth, "I gave everyone the same safety talk, it's not my fault you're an idiot. I am NOT your personal bodyguard, baby sitter or lackey, so shut up, grow a pair and pack up your gear, if you're not ready in 10 minutes we'll leave you behind."
I fumed; he was really trying my patience. Clenching my fists I stormed from the camp and took a seat at the small spring. Never again Rosie, never ever ever again.
Thankfully the idiot was ready when we were. I would've made good on my threat to leave without him. We joined the trail and headed back towards civilisation. Throughout the walk the idiot jumped and squealed at the slightest noise or stirring of branches. It made for some amusing banter amongst the crew. We finally reached the parking lot in the late afternoon. The kid with the camera and a few of the crew guys parted with good wishes and promises to stay in contact. The idiot couldn't get out of there fast enough. So much for me being the next big thing.
I climbed into my Jeep and headed home to my Rosie.
Six months later, life had pretty much gone back to normal. I spent most of my days at the National Park; I was working with rangers on a bear tagging programme. The kid, who had filmed our expedition, had turned out to be a genius: the footage from the trip had been used by National parks as a bear education resource. While I wasn't the next Croc hunter, or Brady Barr or whatever, I was now the voice of reason in a nationwide Bear Safety video. The execs at the TV Station had gotten wind of the 'idiot's' actions during the filming and he was moved on to in house editing. He was too much of a nightmare to let out in public. The kid, who had later told me his name was Seth, was now directing his own Nature Documentaries and I couldn't be happier for him.
As for the story of what happened on our trip, that would grace the ears of many during dark evenings seated around a fire pit. I'm Emmett McCarty – Bear Hunter, and that was my story.
"Right kids, time for bed," I stated firmly, but with a smile.
"Okay Ranger Em," replied little Isabella with a yawn.
I smiled widely and mussed her hair.
"Before you head to the tents kids, what are the rules?"
"Don't roam the woods. Stay in the camp," replied Jasper a serious look on his face.
"And..."
"No food in the tents," responded Alice with a small giggle.
"And..."
"Clean as you go, no littering," added Isabella, blushing in the firelight.
"And..."
"If there's a bear in camp, don't climb a tree," Edward said with a grin. "Oh, and don't forget your pants."
I laughed at his addition. "And always tell me where you're going. Even if it's just the bathroom," I said.
"Yes Em!" they replied in unison.
"Okay, off to bed."
They all traipsed off to the tents together; Edward and Jasper had one, Isabella and Alice the other. As always, I had my bedroll around the fire pit.
"Night Em," they called. The camp ground becoming silent, the only sounds coming from the small brook nearby and the cicadas chirping a jovial tune. Fire crackled, trees swayed and I was lulled into slumber by the sounds of the wilderness and the dreamlike whimpers of the four children, sleeping under canvas nearby.
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